sunny staines

truth of life values 6 Truths of Life 1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it. 3. And discover that The first truth is a lie. 4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot. 5. You soon will forward this to another idiot. 6. There's still a stupid smile on your face. keep scrolling I apologize about this . I'm an idiot and I needed company ... Don't take life too seriously, no one ever makes it out alive anyway....

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath." The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does." MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

the rolex I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

A teacher brought in a tube of sweets and asked the children if they could name the flavour The children began to identify the flavours by their colour: Red.....................Cherry Yellow..................Lemon Green...................Lime Orange ...............Orange Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.' One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ***-holes! The teacher had to leave the room

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:- To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.' 'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher. 'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' said Ashley. 'Very good,' said the teacher, "who's next?" Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.' 'That was a fine story Sarah.', says the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?' 'Yes Miss! My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.' 'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?' 'Stay WELL away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!'

I F P thanks for the info on cloud that makes it easy for anyone to understand. where have you been?

for old men Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town. After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed. These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.' The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says, 'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!' 'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?' 'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.' 'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?' 'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window..... Took My Teeth With Her!'

titou56 had a good laugh with that one as we are thinking of getting a dog and been reading up on dog behaviour

cnn in israel Israel - Jerusalem : wailing wall A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview. "Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?" "Morris Fishbien," he replied. "Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?" "For about 60 years." "60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?" "I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man." "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?" "Like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall!"

enoskype...........thanks

enoskype looks good in fact much better than 360, but what is cloud?

dogs v women [gary go for the last avatar it will make your posts a joy to look at] back to the jokes . The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you. 2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. 3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor. 4. A dog's parents never visit. 5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. 6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day. 7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.. 8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing. 9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?" 10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away. 11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert. 12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting. 13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck. And last, but certainly not least: 14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff. Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you

why men are happier sorry ladies WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 1..Men Are Just Happier People-- 2..Your last name stays put. 3..The garage is all yours. 4..Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. 5..You can never be pregnant. 6..Car mechanics tell you the truth. 7..The world is your urinal. 8..You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky. 9..You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 10..Same work, more pay. 11..Wrinkles add character. 12..People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. 13..New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. 14..One mood all the time. 15..Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 16..You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 17..You can open all your own jars. 18..You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 19..Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public. 20..You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. 21..Everything on your face stays its original colour. 22..The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. 23..You only have to shave your face and neck. 24..You can play with toys all your life. 25..One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons. 26..You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. 27..You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.. 28..You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache. 29..You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes No wonder men are happier

titoux56 do you have an english translation

the rolls royce Albert Smith dies and goes to heaven where he was interviewed at the Pearly Gates. He is able to inform the angels that during his 85 years on Earth, married for 60 years that at no time has he ever been unfaithful to his wife. God is extremely impressed by this and informs Albert that as a reward he will be provided with a brand new Rolls Royce to enable him to drive around heaven. Petrol will be free and he may park in any cloud layby, after every 12 months merely return the Rolls to the main gates and he will be given another brand new one. It is the highest accolade anyone can receive here in heaven says God, I only wish there were more like you. Albert takes the keys and drives off into his new world of luxury. Later he is found parked in a cloud layby, crying his eyes out. A passing cyclist stops to enquire and assist. Look at me says the cyclist I was unfaithful on earth and I was rewarded with a bicycle, yet you have obviously led an unblemished life and now sit her in such a terribly sad state. "Whatever is the matter?" Albert, between outburst of grief and tears, ............................. ............................ .......................... " I just saw my wife going the other way on a pogo stick"

defrag tips I noted these tips from the Jeroen Kessels web site Cleanup old junk from your harddisk before running Defrag, for example with "Start -> Programs -> Accessories -> System Tools -> Disk Cleanup", or with something like the freeware CCleaner program. Reboot before running Defrag. This will release files that are in use, so they can be defragmented. You can also run Defrag in Windows safe mode (press F8 while booting) to defrag even more files. Stop your real time virus scanner before running Defrag. Virus scanners check all disk activity, making defragmentation and optimization very slow. Move the swap file to another volume, reboot, defragment, and move the swap file back. If you don't have a second volume then temporarily make the swap file small, for example 100Mb. If an application (for example a database) prevents certain files from being defragmented then stop the application, run Defrag for the particular data directory only, and restart the application. Buy the biggest harddisk you can afford. Investing in a bigger harddisk gives more speed-per-dollar than investing in a faster CPU or more memory. The first partition on a harddisk is significantly faster than other partitions. If you have 2 physical harddisks (of the same speed), then place the pagefile on the first partition of the second harddisk. EDIT: copied from http://forums.iobit.com/showthread.php?p=41785#post41785 post, http://forums.iobit.com/showthread.php?t=6300 thread.

titou56 the more you score the better he plays

titou56 they should be standard on all cars

$280,000 mortgage For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ....................................... with a $280,000 mortgage and no flaming bike

for golfers Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in agony lying there in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

Catholic Coffee CATHOLIC COFFEE Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall,38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips When she walks into a room people say, "Oh My God."

i like that one

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said.... 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.' Scroll down. To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' __________________

samr I liked that one

have a laugh with this one try and watch this clip without a laugh or smile. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5P6UU6m3cqk