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sunny staines

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Posts posted by sunny staines

  1. Too close to the truth?


    Official Announcement:


    The Government today announced that it is changing its flag emblem from the Union Flag to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.


    A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a false sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

  2. your getting old when ?


    - When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.


    - When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.


    - When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.


    - When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.


    - When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"


    - Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


    - When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


    - You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!


    - You and your teeth don't sleep together.


    - Your back goes out, but you stay home.


    - You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.


    - It takes two tries to get up from the couch.


    - Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.


    - Happy hour is a nap.


    - When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.


    - Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.


    - It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.


    - Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.


    - The pharmacist has become you new best friend.


    - It takes twice as long to look half as good.


    - The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.


    - You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.


    - You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.


    - You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.


    - You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.


    - You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.


    - You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.


    - You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.


    - You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.


    - Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.


    - Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.


    - You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.


    - Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.


    - Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.


    - It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.


    - If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.


    - People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.


    - Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.


    - Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.


    - Your eyes won't get much worse.


    - Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.


    - Things you buy now won't wear out.


    - No one expects you to run into a burning building.


    - There's nothing left to learn the hard way.


    - Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.


    - In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.


    - You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.


    - You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."


    - Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.


    - You start video taping daytime game shows.


    - You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.


    - At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.


    - Your new easy chair has more options than your car.


    - Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."


    - It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.


    - You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.


    - You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.


    - You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."


    - You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.


    - You look both ways before crossing a room.


    - You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.


    - You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.


    - You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.


    - Your childhood toys are now in a museum.


    - Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.


    - The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.


    - All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.


    - The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.


    - You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.


    - Your back goes out more than you do.


    - You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.


    - You buy a compass for the dash of your car.


    - You are proud of your lawn mower.


    - Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.


    - Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.


    - You sing along with the elevator music.


    - You would rather go to work than stay home sick.


    - You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.


    - You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.


    - You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.


    - You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.


    - Neighbors borrow your tools.


    - People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"


    - You have a dream about prunes.


    - You send money to PBS.


    - The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.


    - You take a metal detector to the beach.


    - You wear black socks with sandals.


    - You know what the word "equity" means.


    - You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.


    - Your ears are hairier than your head.


    - You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.


    - You get into a heated argument about pension plans.


    - You got cable for the weather channel.


    - You can go bowling without drinking.


    - You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.


    - Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.


    - You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.


    - Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.


    - Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.


    - Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.


    - You look forward to a dull evening.


    - Your knees buckle and your belt won't.


    - You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.


    - You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.


    - You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.


    - You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.


    - You don't remember being absent minded.


    - "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.


    - Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.


    - Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

  3. A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.


    "I don't know whether to watch them or the game," he said to his wife.


    "For heaven's sake, watch them," his wife said. "You already know how to play football!"

  4. for older readers


    Old Age (Joke)




    Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,


    'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'


    They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.











    Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.






    He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"






    He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.






    Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."






    George said, "Okay."






    He hung up the phone and counted to 30.






    Then he phoned the police again.



    "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.



    Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.






    One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"






    Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

  6. Our NHS the envy of the world..



    These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow


    1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.


    2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.


    3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


    4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


    5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


    6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.


    7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


    8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.


    9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.


    10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.


    11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.


    12. She is numb from her toes down.


    13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.


    14. The skin was moist and dry.


    15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.


    16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.


    17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.


    18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.


    19 I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.


    20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.


    21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.


    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.


    23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.


    24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.


    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.


    26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities


    27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.


    28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.


    29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


    30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


    31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.


    32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.


    33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.





  7. A womans revenge....




    A woman went up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub ...


    She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he


    should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she


    gently caressed his full beard.


    "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.


    "Actually, no," he replied.


    "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,


    running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.


    "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..


    'Is there anything I can do?'


    'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.


    "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.


    "Tell him," she slowly whispered,


    "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."


  8. Old Guys Don't Care








    As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.




    For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.






    I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.





    She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.






    She told me that I have to stop masturbating.






    When I asked her why, she said,





    "Because I'm trying to examine you"

  9. An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.


    'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.


    Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.


    They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.


    'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.


    'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'


    'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!

  10. Tom the retired police officer


    Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

    Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 500 acres of land

    in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible.

    He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

    Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.


    After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

    door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

    'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a

    Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5'oclock...'

    'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.'


    As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

    'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink.'

    'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

    'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ... I'll be there.'

    Thanks again.'


    'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

    'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've

    been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

    what should I wear?'


    'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

  11. its mejjj


    I saw that many years ago on a web then shortly after was involved in mental health liaison work and wanted to print it off but never found it again till i saw it here. [too late now i,m retired]


    but is a a good one i like it

  12. gary


    with adobe i would delete all of them with ccleaner and reinstall fresh.


    or in case of flash player another option is to goto abode web site and run their own unistaller before reinstall.


    abode are well known to leave keys of prev versions in the files when you update them to new versions this is what throws up the errors by secunia. to fix do as i mentioned a choice of two ways to delete flashplayer. [using add/remove via the control panel in windows is not good enough]

  13. gary


    the secunia item for IE8 is genuine, MS do not have a fix for it yet, there is a rumour that it might be in next tuesdays monthly updates, there will be 5 for xp 4 for vista, microsoft for once has failed to release what the fixes are for.

  14. Reply on my security software I only use SAS, MBAM, A2 once a month for a scan.


    windows defender has popped up a couple of times with warnings on webs some of which norton did not, I do not think its as crap as it used to be. now with updates every few days. With norton I was involved the the beta testing and got a free copy and well impressed with it not crap like it used to be either. Some programs start off bad but then improve but the bad reputation never goes.

  15. IObit security crashed pc on restart


    After download and install worked great, ran scan etc.


    Later I restarted pc both internet and windows explorer would crash or freeze on opening, even the "start" button would not work. excel would not open either.


    went into safemode and deleted IObit security 360 restarted pc and all OK again.


    I am using Vista ultimate SP2.


    Anyone else had this. Looks like I am out till next beta.

  16. free ones I use on my pc.


    DAP to speed up and manage downloads also includes speedbit to speed up video download/playback


    Download Accelerator Plus http://www.speedbit.com/


    If you use IE7 then ie7pro is an excellent add on with hordes of advantages added to ie7 too many to list here read their web

    ie7pro http://www.ie7pro.com/


    for an in depth spec list of your pc

    pcwizard 2008 http://www.cpuid.com/pcwizard.php


    to have transparent ms office outlook on your desktop [i use calender so i see any appoints when pc boots up]

    oulook on the desktop http://www.michaelscrivo.com/projects/outlookdesktop/



    to delete important files

    Eraser 5.84 http://www.heidi.ie/eraser/download.php


    to unlock stubbon files that will not open

    unlocker 1.8.5. http://filehippo.com/download_unlocker/


    an excellent zip file programme

    7 zip http://www.7-zip.org/


    these are some of the free extras I use.

  17. trying live.iobit.com scan with enthusiasm but


    using google cannot find the web page could we have a link to clink on please incase others are having the same problem as me.

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