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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hot line.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

-------------------------------------------------------

 

ahhhh LOVE I IT

 

 

ITSMEJJJ

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read this one-- kids--

 

 

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

 

 

ahhhhhhhh ----

 

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle.

“What did you do that for?” asks the crocodile.

The elephant answers, “That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago.”

The crocodile says, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure do have a good memory.”

“Yep,” says the elephant. “I have turtle recall.”

 

ahhhh funny stuff

 

itsmejjj

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during a lesson on proper grammar, the English teacher asked for a show of hands, for who could use the word ‘beautiful’ in the same sentence twice.

 

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, ‘My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.’

 

‘Very good, Suzie,’ replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

 

‘My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,’ he said.

‘Excellent, Michael!’ Then, the teacher called on little Freddy

 

‘Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,yelling aloud , ‘Beautiful,-- fluxing , beautiful!’

 

 

 

Ahhhhhhh

 

 

hope it's ok? and not offending any one--

 

 

 

This fellow had owned this large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back Padlock , had it fixed up nice, picnic tables, horse shoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was built for swimming, but the

farmer made a few changes.to it-

 

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond as he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or get out of the pond, I only came to feed my alligators!”

 

 

ahhhhhh----

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A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 300 miles inland!"and hangs up.

Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"

"I don't know,some dumb Woman, asking if the coast is clear."

 

a other fast one ----

 

Heaven is when you have:

* An American salary.

* A British home.

* Chinese food.

* A Swiss economy.

* An Italian body.

* A Japanese technology.

* An Indian wife.

 

Hell is when you have:

* An American wife.

* A British body.

* Swiss food.

* An Italian technology.

* A Japanese home.

* An African economy.

* An Indian salary.

 

not bad ahhhhh

 

 

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle decided to give them a real treat. "Why don't you grab a gun, take my prized hunting dogs, and go have some fun shooting?" This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.

After a few hours, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?"

 

 

stone me cold -ahhhhhhhhh a deary me---

itsmejjj

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glad you like it----

 

how about this one ---

 

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over.

 

Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leaped off of the roof thus far.

 

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead.

The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

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An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, “Where are you going?” He replied, “To the kitchen.” She asked, “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?” He replied, “Sure.” She then asked him, “Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” He said, “No, I can remember that.”

She then said, “Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you’ll forget that.” He said, “I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.” She replied, “Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down.”

With irritation in his voice, he said, “I don’t need to write that down! I can remember that.” He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: “I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!”

 

 

ahhhhhh-love it!

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ring ring hallow? your friendly consultant Freddy speaking

how can we assist you-

 

* User: "Hey, can you help me? My program doesn't work."

* Consultant: "What is the problem? Are you using Turbo Pascal?"

* User: "Yes, the program just blocks the machine."

* Consultant: "Well, does it compile?"

* User: "I don't know -- it just doesn't run. You see? There's the EXE file. If you run it, it blocks the machine."

* Consultant: "And where is your source, the PAS file??"

* User: "I wrote it and renamed it to EXE so it could run."

 

haaaaaaa talking to the consultant!

 

* Him: "I can download games like Quake and play them during lunch, you know."

* Me: "We're only allowed 10 megs in our accounts, and the system administrators would notice you downloading a large file."

* Him: "Nah, I could hack it so he couldn't."

* Me: "Ah, so you are into hacking. By the way do you know any programming languages?"

* Him: "Yeah, of course."

* Me: "Which ones?"

* Him: "I can't tell you or else you'll use them."

* Me: "Just by mentioning C++ or Pascal or whatever will not instantly make me a genius with those languages."

* Him: "Oh sorry, I didn't understand you. Yeah, I know C++ and Pascal."

* Me: "What compiler do you use?"

* Him: "Well, Qbasic is my favorite."

* Me: "Nobody over the age of eight uses QBasic for serious purposes."

* Him: "But they made windows with QBasic."

 

haaaaa---

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this is absolutely brilliant! enjoy ----

 

 

 

Is There a Santa Claus?

 

 

 

As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help from

that renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased to

present the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.

 

1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of

living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects

and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa

has ever seen.

 

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18 ) in the world.

BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and

Buddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378

million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)

rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes

there's at least one good child in each.

 

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different

time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west

(which seemes logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa

has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the

chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the

tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back

into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these

91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,

we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),

we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2

million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once

every 31 hours, plus feeding etc.

 

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000

times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made

vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per

second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

 

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming

that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds),

the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably

described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more

than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could

pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even

nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even

counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for

comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

 

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enourmous air

resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as

spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer

will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,

they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer

behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a

second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06

times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)

would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

 

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's

dead now.!

 

 

itsmejjj

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this is true --no it is

 

when a very young boy i would often help my uncle he was a repare man

 

this day he asked if i wanted to go with him and earn a bit of mony

 

-when upon driving to this large property surrounded by a high wire fence-that house many

out buildings inside -looking like a small housing communal-i asked what is this place uncle?

stated, its a asylum-for the non violent patrons--oh ok -

the guard allowing us to enter -after uncle showed him the papers-and id-

 

-as we drove around not sure were the unit was -spotted a person

uncle stopped to ask where number 12 was-where we were heading for-the job to be done-

-this rather tall man approaching the car rather slowly-

uncle ask saying -good morning-can you tell us where number 12 is please-?

 

the man pondering a bit ,then speaking,answered yes sir! its between 11.and 13 .walking away,

Musters, and thy call us crazy! uncle looking at me saying did you hear that?

how silly of me to ask any fool would know that---

yes said uncle , he is dead right why did i not think of it!

and bust out laughing!!!

 

itsmejjj

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Okay, try this one:

 

A bloke stopped his car outside a mental asylum with a flat tyre. He jacked it up and removed the wheel nuts, then carefully placed them in the hub-cap. Unfortunately, he tripped over the hub-cap and the wheel nuts were flung into the long grass. After searching through the grass for a while and finding nothing, he noticed one of the asylum inmates sitting on the railing beside him watching his every move.

"Why don't you take one nut off each of the other wheels and use them to secure your spare wheel?" the inmate asked.

The bloke scratched his head in amazement and said: "That's a brilliant idea, so how come you are in this place when you can work things like that out?"

The inmate said: "This place is for the mentally deficient; not the bloody stupid!"

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Okay, here's another: Harry the barman said to Paddy: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?

"I give up" said Paddy, "Who was it?"

"It was me," said Harry.

Paddy swallowed a few more ales and staggered home to find his wife waiting for him.

"I've got a riddle for you," he said. "My mother had a child and it wasn't my brother or my sister... who was it?"

"I don't know," said his wife, "who was it?"

"It was Harry the barman down at the pub," said Paddy.

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One evening an old man is sitting on a bench when a young man approaches:

Young man: Excuse me sir but I am doing a survey, do you mind if I ask you a few very personal questions ?

Old man: Not at all, go right ahead

Young man: When was the last time you had sex ?

Old man: Hmmm, let's see, that would be 1959

The young man starts laughing then stops himself

Young man: I am sorry for laughing sir but that is a very long time ago

Old man: Not really sonny, it's only (looks at his watch) 21:45 now

 

All the best, woz of oz

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Work this one out:

 

The local doctor visited the pub every day without fail at 4pm and Dick the barman would mix an almond dackery for him. One day at 3:55pm poor old Dick discovered they were out of almonds so he quickly ground up a handful of hickory nuts and mixed up the dackery and hoped the doctor wouldn't notice. However, after one mouthful the doctor shouted, "This isn't an almond dackery, Dick!"

Dick replied: "No, it's a hickory dackery, doc!"

 

I'm outa here!

------------------

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[100.Bi-Monthly] Dancing contest comparison

 

OK guys, the first and the last one from me!!!

Don't tell to the Admins!!!:smile:

 

-------------------------

 

One day a gentleman with a melon hat and a walking stick enters a bar and sits near the barman.

The barman approaches and asks:

-Sir, our beer is very famous, would you like to drink something?

 

The man replies:

- No thank you, I have tried drinking once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

Fiteen minutes later, the barmen seeig the man just sitting and doing nothing, approaches and asks:

-Sir, I have very good cigars here, would you like to try one?

 

The man replies:

- No thank you, I have tried smoking once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

The barman goes and about half an hour later, thinking that the gentleman was bored sitting there, approaches and again asks to the gentleman:

-Sir, my friends are playing poker there, would you like to join them?

 

Our gentleman replies:

- No thank you, I have played poker once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

Then he realises that he has to explain what he is doing there in the bar and says:

-By the way, I am waiting my son here.

 

Barman turns and replies:

-I suppose it is your only son sir. :razz:

 

 

Cheers.

 

PS: Admins, you can delete it if you think it is unfit.:neutral:

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Hi enoskype

I have 5 children - and I liked your story too.

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

 

OK guys, the first and the last one from me!!!

Don't tell to the Admins!!!:smile:

 

-------------------------

 

One day a gentleman with a melon hat and a walking stick enters a bar and sits near the barman.

The barman approaches and asks:

-Sir, our beer is very famous, would you like to drink something?

 

The man replies:

- No thank you, I have tried drinking once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

Fiteen minutes later, the barmen seeig the man just sitting and doing nothing, approaches and asks:

-Sir, I have very good cigars here, would you like to try one?

 

The man replies:

- No thank you, I have tried smoking once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

The barman goes and about half an hour later, thinking that the gentleman was bored sitting there, approaches and again asks to the gentleman:

-Sir, my friends are playing poker there, would you like to join them?

 

Our gentleman replies:

- No thank you, I have played poker once in my life and I didn't like it.

 

Then he realises that he has to explain what he is doing there in the bar and says:

-By the way, I am waiting my son here.

 

Barman turns and replies:

-I suppose it is your only son sir. :razz:

 

 

Cheers.

 

PS: Admins, you can delete it if you think it is unfit.:neutral:

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sometimers

 

Reminiscences

30-40 years ago my brother in law and I build a kiosk on the beach of Balka. From the foundations and all the rest.

Some years after my brother in law was in need of a water trap at their farm (in the autumn), and as it was weekend, we decided to borrow one from the kitchen in the kiosk.

When we arrived and had disconnected the water trap, we discovered that the kitchen sink was half full of water. Ok, we placed a bucket underneath and emptied the water into that.

After that we sat down and had a couple of beers and talked.

When we were about to leave , I noticed the almost full bucket still standing on the floor, - and in order to tidy everything up I grabbed it - AND emptied it into the kitchen sink.

So the sometimers was at work even at my tender age at around 30.

Cheers

solbjerg

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