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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

 

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her,the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

"While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"

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  • 3 weeks later...

This should make some of us, if not all, feel our age.

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

 

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

 

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

 

' television

 

' penicillin

 

' polio shots

 

' frozen foods

 

' Xerox

 

' contact lenses

 

' Frisbees and

 

' the pill

 

There were no:

 

' credit cards

 

' laser beams or

 

' ball-point pens

 

Man had not invented:

 

' pantyhose

 

' air conditioners

 

' dishwashers

 

' clothes dryers

 

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

 

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

 

 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, .. .... ... and then lived together..

 

Every family had a father and a mother.

 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

 

We were before, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

 

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

 

 

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

 

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..

 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

 

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

 

In my day:

 

' "grass" was mowed,

 

' "coke" was a cold drink,

 

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

 

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

 

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

 

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

 

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

 

' "software" wasn't even a word.

 

 

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

 

I bet you have an old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

 

 

 

Are you ready ????? This man would be 59 years old (young)!!

 

Hope you enjoyed.

 

A.T.

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Hi tailor

Yes we have seen some changes sir!

My grandmother had a cousin that used to tell us that his father had lived while Napoleon was emperor (begot him when he was over 80) - he died around 1980 and he saw a lot of changes too.

My first hourly wages as 15 year old (1959) was about 20 cent per hour. (45 hour week though :-) )

Around 25% taxes - around 25% housing - 50% for living expences.

Today around 50% taxes and around 50% housing - you have to have a partner if you want to eat!

That's progress for you!! :-)

I wonder though if it is true that integrity was greater then - even if we feel so?

By the way - you don't have to call me sir - even if I am 7¾ years older than you. :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

This should make some of us, if not all, feel our age.

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end. It will blow you away.

 

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.

The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general..

 

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

 

' television

 

' penicillin

 

' polio shots

 

' frozen foods

 

' Xerox

 

' contact lenses

 

' Frisbees and

 

' the pill

 

There were no:

 

' credit cards

 

' laser beams or

 

' ball-point pens

 

Man had not invented:

 

' pantyhose

 

' air conditioners

 

' dishwashers

 

' clothes dryers

 

' and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and

 

' man hadn't yet walked on the moon

 

 

Your Grandmother and I got married first, .. .... ... and then lived together..

 

Every family had a father and a mother.

 

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".

And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

 

We were before, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.

 

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

 

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

 

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege..

 

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

 

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

 

Draft dodgers were those who closed front doors as the evening breeze started.

 

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

 

 

 

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

 

We listened to Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

 

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

 

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk

 

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam..

 

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

 

We had 5 &10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

 

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

 

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

 

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, . .. . but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

 

In my day:

 

' "grass" was mowed,

 

' "coke" was a cold drink,

 

' "pot" was something your mother cooked in and

 

' "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

 

' "Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office,

 

' " chip" meant a piece of wood,

 

' "hardware" was found in a hardware store and

 

' "software" wasn't even a word.

 

 

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

 

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap. And how old do you think I am?

 

I bet you have an old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

 

 

 

Are you ready ????? This man would be 59 years old (young)!!

 

Hope you enjoyed.

 

A.T.

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Installing Husband 1.0 question by Desperate!

 

INSTALLING HUSBAND
1.0

Dear
Tech Support
,

Last year I upgraded from
Boyfriend 5.0
to
Husband 1.0
and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0
.

In addition,
Husband 1.0
uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as :

Romance 9.5
and
Personal Attention 6.5
,
and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0
,
NFL 3.0
,
and
Golf Clubs 4.1
.

Conversation 8.0
no longer runs, and
Housecleaning 2.
6
simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running
Nagging 5.3
to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Installing Husband 1.0 guide by Tech Support.

 

Dear
Desperate
,

First, keep in mind,
Boyfriend 5.0
is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0
is an Operating System.

Please enter command:
i_thought_you_loved_me.msi
and try to download
Tears 6.2
and do not forget to install the
Guilt 3.0
update.

If that application works as designed,
Husband1.0
should then automatically run the applications
Jewelry 2.0
and
Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause
Husband 1.0
to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5
,
Happy Hour 7.0
or
Beer 6.1
.

Please note that
Beer 6. 1
is a very bad program that will download the
F*rting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do,
DO NOT
under any circumstances install
Mother-In-Law 1.0
(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the
Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash
Husband 1.0
.

In summary,
Husband 1.0
is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0
and
Hot Lingerie 7.7
.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Rebroad

 

Hi friends :wink:

 

Statistics of the human body

 

It takes 7 seconds for food to travel from your mouth to the stomach.

A human hair can support a weight of 3 kg.

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

The hip bone is stronger than concrete.

The heart of a woman beats faster than a man.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink nearly 2 times more often than men.

The skin of an average human weighs 2 times more than its brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles just to keep their balance when you're standing.

Women have already finished reading this message.

Men are still trying to measure their inches.

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Consulting

 

Hi friends :wink:

 

To "Ginette" the other day with buddies, they pointed out a strange knack. All waiters and waitresses had a small spoon in the pocket of their short-sleeved shirt.

 

Also when the waiter came to take order, I asked: - why do you all carry a small spoon?

 

He explained me that "Ginette" had asked for advice in Andersen Consulting which, after months of analyses, concluded that the small spoon was the place setting which fell most often, to a frequency of 1,3 spoons / tables / hour!

 

Since they do not any more need to run to the kitchen to search a new spoon. The economy of output in times of job is estimated at 5,21 %. The indication of contentment of the customer thinks it is also augmented 3,75 %.

 

Two minutes later I made fall my small spoon and this did not miss: the waiter immediately brought me his spoon by saying to me that he would take other one in his next passage in kitchen.

 

Cheers Andersen Consulting!

 

But more curious, the waiters all had a twine which showed a little of their fly. When it brought us the addendum, I asked the waiter for what this twine was of use.

 

 

- Definitely noticed, he says to me by lowering voice, Andersen Consulting as saw as we could save time in toilets.

 

The twine is tied around the penis, they can therefore take it out without touch and avoid having to wash their hands, what represents an economy of water, and the time crossed to toilets is reduced about 7,39 %.

 

- But, having taken it out, how do you delay it without touch indoors did I ask?

 

- Oh well, he says to me by whispering, I do not know for the others... But me I use the small spoon...

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