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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Ha!!!!

 

:mrgreen: You people are great!!!! Thank you:grin:!!

 

A Florida(USA) couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

 

 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row...

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything... She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

 

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

 

The Hilton charges $139.

 

We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7."

 

 

Your friend,

Mel

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Test

 

Hi friends ;-)

 

 

Here is a new test :

 

 

You are at the wheel of a splendid car and you run at constant speed...

 

On your right, a gulch as far as the eye can see...

 

On your left, firefighters' truck which runs at the same speed and in the same direction as you. it is trying to double you.

 

In front of you, a pig which is bigger than your car.

 

Behind you, a helicopter which follows you in hedgehopping.

 

The pig and the helicopter go to the same speed as you.

 

 

How do you make to stop ?

 

 

 

Answer in white on white, please make a selection... :

 

|Go down from the Carousel ! It is more than your age ! |

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Statistics of the human body

 

Statistics of the human body

http://smylies.philoo12.net/Extra-gros%203/emot115.gif

 

 

It takes 7 seconds for food to go from your mouth to the stomach.

 

A human hair can support a weight of 3 kg.

 

The penis of the average man is 3 times the length of his thumb.

 

The hip bone is stronger than cement.

 

The heart of a woman beats faster than a man.

 

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

 

Women blink nearly 2 times more often than men.

 

The skin of an average human weighs 2 times more than its brain.

 

Your body uses 300 muscles just to keep equilibrium when you're standing.

 

Women have already finished reading this message.

 

Men are still trying to measure their thumbs.

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http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v190/bob3160/TigersHouse.png

 

The House That Golf Built is a slideshow of Tiger Woods home

http://mysharedfiles.no-ip.org/flash+presentations/TheHouseThatGolfBuilt.htm

that I've had available for viewing on MySharedFiles for a long time.

 

I understand that recently, he's had to move into a new residency:

.

 

 

.

 

 

 

.

 

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

 

.

 

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v190/bob3160/TigersNewHome.jpg

 

Poor Tiger

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An heavy one...

 

Hi friends :wink:

 

It is ok : here is virus total report :File ours.exe received on 2010.01.31 09:41:31 (UTC) Current status: Result: 0/41 (0%)

 

Clic on "Lire"

Dialogs : first screen = It does not matter you, the s**t glued on hair when finished to s**t ?

Second = No, It is nature way ! Does not matter...

Third = So much the better !

 

:mrgreen:

ours.zip

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Barbecues

 

The barbecue season is about to begin! To this end, it is fashionable to recall the usual procedure of this summer cooking....

 

In this business we recognize the talents of a man cooking, a real one. When a man volunteers to do this type of cooking, the following chain of events is activated:

 

MAN WOMEN

1. The man left the barbecue and charcoal.

2. The woman cleans the grill.

3. The woman goes to the grocery store.

4. The woman goes to the butcher.

5. The woman goes to the baker.

6. The woman prepares the salad and vegetables.

7. The woman prepares the meat for cooking

8. The woman places on a tray with utensils, spices and herbs.

9. The woman brings the clean grill and the tray to the man who is lying next to the grill drinking a beer.

10. The man places the meat on the grill.

11. The woman goes inside to dress the table.

12. The woman checks the cooking vegetables.

13. The woman prepares the dessert.

14. The woman comes outside to tell her husband that the meat is burning.

15. The man retires the meat too cooked from the grid and deliver it to the woman.

16. The woman prepares the plates and brings on the table.

17. The man serves some drink

18. The woman clears the table and prepares the coffee.

19. The woman serves coffee and dessert

20. After the meal, the woman places the table and tablecloth.

21. The woman takes off the dishes and range the kitchen.

22. The man lets the barbecue in place because there still are embers.

23. The man asks the woman if she appreciated not to cook today.

24. And before her dubiously, man concludes that women are never satisfied.

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Hi titou

Hope you had a nice birthday party - and wriggled yourself out of the heavy chore of tending the barbecue grill. :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

The barbecue season is about to begin! To this end, it is fashionable to recall the usual procedure of this summer cooking....

 

In this business we recognize the talents of a man cooking, a real one. When a man volunteers to do this type of cooking, the following chain of events is activated:

 

MAN WOMEN

1. The man left the barbecue and charcoal.

2. The woman cleans the grill.

3. The woman goes to the grocery store.

4. The woman goes to the butcher.

5. The woman goes to the baker.

6. The woman prepares the salad and vegetables.

7. The woman prepares the meat for cooking

8. The woman places on a tray with utensils, spices and herbs.

9. The woman brings the clean grill and the tray to the man who is lying next to the grill drinking a beer.

10. The man places the meat on the grill.

11. The woman goes inside to dress the table.

12. The woman checks the cooking vegetables.

13. The woman prepares the dessert.

14. The woman comes outside to tell her husband that the meat is burning.

15. The man retires the meat too cooked from the grid and deliver it to the woman.

16. The woman prepares the plates and brings on the table.

17. The man serves some drink

18. The woman clears the table and prepares the coffee.

19. The woman serves coffee and dessert

20. After the meal, the woman places the table and tablecloth.

21. The woman takes off the dishes and range the kitchen.

22. The man lets the barbecue in place because there still are embers.

23. The man asks the woman if she appreciated not to cook today.

24. And before her dubiously, man concludes that women are never satisfied.

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An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

 

'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

 

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

 

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

 

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

 

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

 

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!

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haha, thats a very good one sunny ! :lol:

 

An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman lurking in the shadows.

 

'Twenty dollars,” she whispers.

 

Paddy had never had a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.

 

They're going at it for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.

 

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer. 'I'm making love to me wife,' the Irishman answers sounding annoyed.

 

'Oh, I'm so sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

 

'Well, needer did I,' says Paddy, 'til ya shoined dat light in her face!!!

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Old Guys Don't Care

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment.

 

 

 

For example, my doctor referred me to a female urologist.

 

 

 

 

 

I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous.

 

 

 

 

She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy.

 

 

 

 

 

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

 

 

 

 

 

When I asked her why, she said,

 

 

 

 

"Because I'm trying to examine you"

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A womans revenge....

 

 

 

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet, rural pub ...

 

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he

 

should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she

 

gently caressed his full beard.

 

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

 

"Actually, no," he replied.

 

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,

 

running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

 

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender..

 

'Is there anything I can do?'

 

'Yes. I need for you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

 

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

 

"Tell him," she slowly whispered,

 

"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

__________

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Irish Burial At Sea

 

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.

 

 

Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.

 

 

They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'

 

 

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.

 

 

'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'

 

 

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.

 

 

Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'

 

 

Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.'

 

 

The water was only up to his chest.

 

 

So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

 

 

'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'

 

 

'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'

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Our NHS the envy of the world..

 

 

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow

 

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

 

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

 

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

 

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

 

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

 

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

 

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

 

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

 

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

 

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

 

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

 

12. She is numb from her toes down.

 

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

 

14. The skin was moist and dry.

 

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

 

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

 

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

 

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

 

19 I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

 

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

 

21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

 

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

 

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

 

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

 

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

 

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

 

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

 

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

 

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

 

30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

 

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

 

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

 

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

 

 

 

STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE

 

 

WHEN YOU'RE OLD

 

AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

 

 

 

 

Phillip Hewitson, an elderly man, from Norwich UK, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

 

 

 

 

 

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

 

 

 

 

 

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

 

 

 

 

 

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

 

 

 

 

 

George said, "Okay."

 

 

 

 

 

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

 

 

 

 

 

Then he phoned the police again.

 

 

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up.

 

 

Within five minutes, Six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Hewitson`s' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

 

 

 

 

 

One of the Policemen said to Phillip, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

 

 

 

 

 

Phillip said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

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for older readers

 

Old Age (Joke)

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,

 

'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

 

They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine.

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