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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Excellent Sunny ! :-D

 

AN other one :

 

There is four type of female orgasm:

 

the positive orgasm: ' oh yes, oh yes... '

the negative orgasm: ' oh no, oh no... '

the religious orgasm: ' oh my God... '

the devoted orgasm: 'oh ' name_of_the_buddy_whom_you_tell_it ' ....... '

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AnIrishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

 

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

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your getting old when ?

 

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

 

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

 

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

 

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

 

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

 

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

 

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

 

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

 

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

 

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

 

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

 

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

 

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

 

- Happy hour is a nap.

 

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

 

- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

 

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

 

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

 

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

 

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

 

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

 

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

 

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

 

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

 

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

 

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

 

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

 

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

 

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

 

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

 

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

 

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

 

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

 

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

 

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

 

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

 

- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

 

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

 

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

 

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

 

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

 

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

 

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

 

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

 

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

 

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

 

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

 

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

 

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

 

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

 

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.

 

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

 

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

 

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

 

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

 

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

 

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

 

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

 

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

 

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

 

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

 

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

 

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

 

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

 

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

 

- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in style.

 

- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.

 

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

 

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

 

- Your back goes out more than you do.

 

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

 

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

 

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

 

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

 

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

 

- You sing along with the elevator music.

 

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

 

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

 

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

 

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

 

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

 

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

 

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

 

- You have a dream about prunes.

 

- You send money to PBS.

 

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

 

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

 

- You wear black socks with sandals.

 

- You know what the word "equity" means.

 

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

 

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

 

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

 

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

 

- You got cable for the weather channel.

 

- You can go bowling without drinking.

 

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

 

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

 

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

 

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

 

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

 

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

 

- You look forward to a dull evening.

 

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

 

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

 

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

 

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

 

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

 

- You don't remember being absent minded.

 

- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.

 

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

 

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.

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The Pope and Tiger Woods

 

The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an

administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went

to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative

clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there

is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours

before it can be rectified".

 

Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.

 

On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven

and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes

the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods.

 

Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"

 

Tiger: "Why is that?"

 

Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"

 

Tiger: "You're a day late."

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Too close to the truth?

 

Official Announcement:

 

The Government today announced that it is changing its flag emblem from the Union Flag to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

 

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a false sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

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Hi titou

About 30 years ago I read some statistics that said that females on average had had 3 lovers in their life, while men had had 1½ (the half probably was the lower half) :-)

According to your display of condomes hung out to dry - you must be one of those that make the statistics for men rise above 1 :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

 

 

http://smylies.philoo12.net/Extra-gros%204/emot196.gif

 

One per girlfriend...

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My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

 

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....

'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'

 

 

Scroll down.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'

__________________

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Hi friends :wink:

 

In the hospital, a nice young woman waits in the hall on her stretcher before being driven to the surgical unit for a little intervention.

 

She gets worried a bit, really, especially because the hour turns. :???:

 

A guy in white smock comes, raises the sheet and examine her bare body. It pulls down sheet, moves away towards other whites smocks and discuss.

A second in white coat comes, raises sheet and examines her. Then it leaves again.

When third white coat approaches, raises sheet, and scans her, young woman gets impatient:

" It is very nice all these examinations , but when you are going to operate me ? " :oops:

 

The man in white smock raises shoulders:

" I've no idea..., we're repainting the hall. " :mrgreen:

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Guy: " Greeting, neighbour, it is a nice day to move in. "

Neighbour 1: " Yes, and people here look very nice "

Guy: " Yes. And what you make in life? "

Neighbour 1: " I am professor in the University. I teach deductive logic . "

Guy: " Ah?... It is what deductive logic? "

Neighbour 1: " Let me give you an example. I see that you have an alcove, there in your garden. "

Guy: " Yes ".

Neighbour 1: " I deduct from it that you have a dog. "

Guy: " Ben... Yes. "

Neighbour 1: " If you have a dog, you have probably of children. "

Guy: " In effect. "

Neighbour 1: " If you have children, I deduct from it that you have, or that you had, a woman "

Guy: " Ben, yes, I am married. "

Neighbour 1: " If you have a woman, I deduct from it that you are heterosexual... "

Guy: " Ouais, it is sure, this! "

Neighbour 1: " oh well, here is; that's right logic deductive . "

Guy: " Cool! "

 

(Slightly later in party)

 

Guy: " I met our new neighbour, very nice! "

Neighbour 2: " Ah yes? And what does it makes in life? "

Guy: It makes a cool knack: it teaches deductive logic. "

Neighbour 2: " Ah???... what's, this? "

Guy: " Wait, I show you on an example. Got an alcove in your garden? "

Neighbour 2: " Well... No. "

Guy: " Faggot! "

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Hi friends :wink:

 

Do you know the generation Y ?

 

 

You indeed knew:

1) The silent generation: those who were born before 1945.

2) Baby Boomers: those who were born between 1945 and 1961.

3) The Generation X: those who were born between 1962 and 1976.

 

But do you know :

The generation Y: those who were born between 1977 and 1999.

 

Why do they call this last group The Generation Y ?

 

http://i50.tinypic.com/rjjdck.jpg

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