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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


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Catholic Coffee

 

CATHOLIC COFFEE

 

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

 

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

 

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

 

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

 

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

 

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle "Well....?"

 

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall,38D breast, 24" waist, 34" hips

When she walks into a room people say, "Oh My God."

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for golfers

 

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her

ball

headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The

ball

hit

one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his

groin,

fell

to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

 

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.

"Please

allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve

your

pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

 

"Oh no, I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in

agony

lying there in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his

groin.

At

her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

 

She gently took his hands away and laid them to his side, loosened his

pants

and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage

for

several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

 

He replied, "It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken."

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Mary barges through the door shrieking: " George, George I've won the Lotto pack your bags!"

 

"Where are we going yells George"

 

"I'm going to the south of France" shouts Mary, "you can pack your bags and piss off"!

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Following to a study financed by the ministry, we envisage the next coming out on the market of a new seat belt.

 

 

It is about a 3 points fixed belt.

 

 

It was successfully subjected to all tests of security and should diminish the number of accidents by 50 % and a reduction of stress.

 

 

http://i49.tinypic.com/28lffop.jpg

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$280,000 mortgage

 

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 and your mother just lost her job.. There's no way we can afford it.' The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?' Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself ....................................... with a $280,000 mortgage and no flaming bike

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the rolls royce

 

Albert Smith dies and goes to heaven where he was interviewed at the Pearly Gates.

 

He is able to inform the angels that during his 85 years on Earth, married for 60 years that at no time has he ever been unfaithful to his wife.

 

God is extremely impressed by this and informs Albert that as a reward he will be provided with a brand new Rolls Royce to enable him to drive around heaven. Petrol will be free and he may park in any cloud layby, after every 12 months merely return the Rolls to the main gates and he will be given another brand new one.

 

It is the highest accolade anyone can receive here in heaven says God, I only wish there were more like you.

 

Albert takes the keys and drives off into his new world of luxury.

 

Later he is found parked in a cloud layby, crying his eyes out.

 

A passing cyclist stops to enquire and assist. Look at me says the cyclist I was unfaithful on earth and I was rewarded with a bicycle, yet you have obviously led an unblemished life and now sit her in such a terribly sad state.

 

"Whatever is the matter?"

 

Albert, between outburst of grief and tears,

 

.............................

 

............................

 

..........................

 

 

" I just saw my wife going the other way on a pogo stick"

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Paddy answers an advertisement at the employment office in Invercargill. (Invercargill is at the lower end of the South Island in New Zealand). The job is for a photographer's assistant.

"You don't need experience" the employment officer says, "All you have to do is check the young ladies in their bikini's closely and make any adjustments you think necessary before they get their photos taken."

Paddy gets all excited and gasps: "Yes, yes, I'll take the job!"

"Okay, that's fine" says the employment officer, but you'll have to travel to Kaitaia (Kaitaia is at the top end of the north island in New Zealand).

"Begorrah" says Paddy, "Why do I have to travel way up there"?

"Because that's where the queue starts," replies the employment officer.

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why men are happier sorry ladies

 

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

 

1..Men Are Just Happier People--

 

2..Your last name stays put.

 

3..The garage is all yours.

 

4..Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.

 

5..You can never be pregnant.

 

6..Car mechanics tell you the truth.

 

7..The world is your urinal.

 

8..You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.

 

 

9..You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

 

10..Same work, more pay.

 

11..Wrinkles add character.

 

12..People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

 

13..New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

 

14..One mood all the time.

 

15..Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

 

16..You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

 

 

17..You can open all your own jars.

 

18..You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

 

19..Your underwear is £4.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.

 

20..You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

 

21..Everything on your face stays its original colour.

 

22..The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

 

23..You only have to shave your face and neck.

 

24..You can play with toys all your life.

 

25..One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.

 

26..You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

 

27..You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife..

 

28..You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

 

29..You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes

 

 

 

No wonder men are happier

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