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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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dogs v women

 

[gary go for the last avatar it will make your posts a joy to look at]

 

back to the jokes

 

. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

 

 

 

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

 

 

 

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

 

 

 

4. A dog's parents never visit.

 

 

 

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

 

 

 

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

 

 

 

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

 

 

 

 

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

 

 

 

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

 

 

 

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

 

 

 

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

 

 

 

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

 

 

 

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

 

 

 

And last, but certainly not least:

 

 

 

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

 

 

 

Ultimate True Test: Lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car for an hour. Then open the boot and see who's the happiest to see you

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cnn in israel

 

Israel - Jerusalem : wailing wall

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Fishbien," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our

children to grow up safely as responsible adults,

and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

 

 

 

"Like I'm talking to a bloody brick wall!"

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for old men

 

Two Old Men Decide They Are Close To Their Last Days And Decide To Have A Last Night On The Town.

 

 

After A Few Drinks, They End Up At The Local Brothel

 

 

The Madam Takes One Look At The Two Old Geezers And Whispers To Her Manager, 'go Up To The First Two Bedrooms And Put An Inflated Doll In Each Bed.

 

 

These Two Are So Old And Drunk, I'm Not Wasting Two Of My Girls On Them. They Won't Know The Difference.'

 

 

The Manager Does As He Is Told And The Two Old Men Go Upstairs And Take Care Of Their Business. As They Are Walking Home The First Man Says,

 

'you Know, I Think My Girl Was Dead!'

 

'dead?' Says His Friend, 'why Do You Say That?'

 

 

'well, She Never Moved Or Made A Sound All The Time I Was Loving Her.' His Friend Says, 'could Be Worse I Think Mine Was A Witch.'

 

 

'a Witch ??. . Why The Hell Would You Say That?'

 

 

 

 

'well, I Was Making Love To Her, Kissing Her On The Neck, And I Gave Her A Little Bite, Then She Farted And Flew Out The Window..... Took My Teeth With Her!'

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Good one titou56,

 

My daughter is in Montauban, France staying with her daughter who has just produced our second great-grandson. We are looking after their four large Rottweiler dogs on their deer farm just out of town. I can tell you now that they don't line up and wait patiently for their turn at the tree like those well behaved dogs do. However, despite their formidable appearance they are big pussy cats, really.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment:-

To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the

end of it.

 

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

 

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market

in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

 

'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!' said Ashley.

 

'Very good,' said the teacher, "who's next?"

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market.

One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't

count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

 

'That was a fine story Sarah.', says the teacher. "Michael, do you have a story to share?'

 

'Yes Miss! My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War

and her plane got hit.

 

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the

machete until the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

 

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

 

'Stay WELL away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking!'

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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

 

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

 

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

 

I used to like Eric.

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Hi Ted

Really good question :-)

Not many use pocket watches, so not many would be sent to the bathroom because the gesture was mistaken for a reference to a colostomy condition.:-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?

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well this thread has gone into a soft porn and that was not my idea of have a laugh with itsmejjj

 

surly we can do without this and still post nice funny things?

 

you notice i have now stopped laughing? as its now starting to be offensive

sorry but i see nothing funny any more! and to show some of the pictures suggesting sex and the woman as a sex object , was not the idea behind this tread..i think its time to clean it up?

how the heck do i ex plane this as funny when some of the pictures are so suggestive?

if readers are into this that's OK.but then go to the appropriate sites if its not offending to them.

i find it very offensive. why just seems not the place for this..

 

 

itsmejjj

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An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

 

<><><><><><><>

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When Love Fades.....

 

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen.

What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I said "Thank you. I'll have chicken."

She replied "You're having soup *******. I was talking to the cat."

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  • 2 weeks later...

sorry...

 

So there's a white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy, getting ready to go down in a mine on their first day. The foreman shows up and is going to show the ropes a little.

 

He says to the white guy "You, go get us all some water."

 

He says to the black guy "okay, and you go get us all some food to take down with us."

 

And he says to the to the Chinese guy "okay, now you get us some supplies and we'll meet back here in ten minutes."

 

All three guys say "okay, you got it" and take off on their duties...

 

Ten minutes later, the foreman, the white guy and the black are standing where they were supposed to be, but there was no sign of the Chinese guy. The foreman says "damnit, I'll go find this guy."

 

So he walks further down the mine shaft and just as he gets to the corner, the Chinese guy jumps out and yells "SUPPLIES!!"

 

Sorry to the Chinese people, a Chinese person told me to that if that's any better.

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