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Ted

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Everything posted by Ted

  1. Thanks, A.T. Kind Regards, Ted. -------------
  2. Hi, solbjerg, Glad you liked it and thanks for your feedback. Kind Regards, Ted. ---------
  3. How the Internet Really Started. HOW THE INTERNET STARTED A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM) Well, you might have thought that you knew how the internet started, but here's the TRUE story In ancient Israel, it comes to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot, and Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com. And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?" And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hat the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)." Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent. To prevent neighbouring countries from over-hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP). But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "W need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied' "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO" said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com. Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE). And that is how it all began.
  4. While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entirereturn drive. The more he chided her,the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!"
  5. Hi, solbjerg, Yes, a few people I know have paved their backyards and are now sorry. They miss their little bit of lawn.
  6. Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf. Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery' 'What's dat' says his mate. 'Send me lawn away to be cut', answers Paddy.
  7. A large brown bear shuffled into the bar and thumped on the counter. Bear: "A large whiskey and.......................................a glass of coke. Barman: "Why the large pause?" Bear: "Don't know, I've had them all my life".
  8. Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"
  9. Six people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, five men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech. She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......
  10. When Love Fades..... Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen. What would you like for dinner my Love? Chicken, beef or lamb? I said "Thank you. I'll have chicken." She replied "You're having soup *******. I was talking to the cat."
  11. An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night? <><><><><><><>
  12. Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer ."
  13. I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?' 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T I used to like Eric.
  14. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
  15. Good one titou56, My daughter is in Montauban, France staying with her daughter who has just produced our second great-grandson. We are looking after their four large Rottweiler dogs on their deer farm just out of town. I can tell you now that they don't line up and wait patiently for their turn at the tree like those well behaved dogs do. However, despite their formidable appearance they are big pussy cats, really.
  16. Paddy answers an advertisement at the employment office in Invercargill. (Invercargill is at the lower end of the South Island in New Zealand). The job is for a photographer's assistant. "You don't need experience" the employment officer says, "All you have to do is check the young ladies in their bikini's closely and make any adjustments you think necessary before they get their photos taken." Paddy gets all excited and gasps: "Yes, yes, I'll take the job!" "Okay, that's fine" says the employment officer, but you'll have to travel to Kaitaia (Kaitaia is at the top end of the north island in New Zealand). "Begorrah" says Paddy, "Why do I have to travel way up there"? "Because that's where the queue starts," replies the employment officer.
  17. Mary barges through the door shrieking: " George, George I've won the Lotto pack your bags!" "Where are we going yells George" "I'm going to the south of France" shouts Mary, "you can pack your bags and piss off"!
  18. The Pope and Tiger Woods The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven. The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork admits that there is an error. "However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified". Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell. On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat. "Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope. "No problem" replied Tiger Woods. Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven" Tiger: "Why is that?" Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary" Tiger: "You're a day late."
  19. AnIrishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
  20. Chinese Proverb? Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
  21. Irish Burial At Sea Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye it 'tis, hand me da shovel.'
  22. Two Woodpeckers... A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
  23. A man goes to the doctor feeling a little ill. The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus'. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!' 'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!!!!!!' Well bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
  24. titou56 Much better, titou. Funny and a bit hair-raising too.
  25. Six-year-old Floyd examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains? ''Not yet,' she replied.
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