Ted
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Posts
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Joined
Posts posted by Ted
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Hi, titou56,
Correct me if I'm wrong on this one:
This bloke was telling his mate about his bad day at the races.
"I was standing in the queue to get my ticket" he said "when a gust of wind blew the hat off my head and when I noticed that a horse named "My Hat" was running in the next race I put all my money on it.
"Did the horse win?" asked his mate.
"Nah" said the bloke, "it finished last, a nag called Le Chapeau won by a mile!"
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Hi there, titou56
I'm not Scottish, but I think you're correct with the translation. I reckon "foo" would translate as "full" making the statement read: It's full of cow's sh#t and ......
Yes, I believe many nationalities do a bit of good natured slinging off against each other. Kiwis and Aussies are notorious for their banter and neither side ever takes offence, just does their best to go one better next time.
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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
Yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck, bugger off."
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Hi, All,
No offence intended for anyone at all:
A Wee Scottish Tale.
A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.A Gamekeeper shouts,'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'The man replies,'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'The keeper replies,'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!! -
Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.
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Funny you should say that, Dave because I read that an escalator broke down in Dublin the other day and thirty people were trapped on it for most of the afternoon :-)I like escalators because an escalator can never break -
Confucius.
Confucius say: Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
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Getting old.
Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something FUNNY about Mabel's ear, and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
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Confucious.
Confucius say:
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Bill Gates and General Motors.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'
In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:
If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.
6. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.
7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
9. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.
10. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only seventy five percent of the roads.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!
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Cowboys.
A cowboy rides into town, ties his horse up outside the saloon, goes inside and orders a beer. When he's finished his beer he goes outside to discover that his horse has gone. He goes back into the bar, orders another beer and says: "My horse had better be back before I finish this beer. I don't want to have to do what I did in Dodge City".
Sure enough when he goes out again, having drunk his beer, the horse is back. As he gets back on his horse, one of the people from the bar says: "Can you tell us what you did in Dodge City?" The cowboy looks down from his horse and says: "I had to walk home"!
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No Offence....
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."
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Old fellas
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."
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The wizened old truck driver almost fell off his chair in the cafe as the burly motor-cycle cowboy elbowed him. His mate following, bumped the table and spilled the old guy's coffee in all directions. The rest of the gang roared with laughter as he timidly stood up and slunk out of the cafe.
After making himself comfortable and getting stuck in to a large hamburger, the burly motor-cyclist said to the waiter: "That skinny old geezer wasn't much of a fighter, was he."
The waiter replied: "No, and he wasn't much of a driver, either, he's just run over six motor-bikes with his huge truck and flattened them all!"
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A redhead went into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."
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Shamus walks into the bar with a bag of squawking chickens in his hand and approaches his mate, Paddy. "Guess how many chooks I've got in this bag," he says, "and you can both both of them."
"Three!" says Paddy.
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No way a zero.
We gave birth to thirteen children, but unfortunately only two survived. However, we adopted two wonderful baby girls at birth over forty years ago.
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Work this one out:
The local doctor visited the pub every day without fail at 4pm and Dick the barman would mix an almond dackery for him. One day at 3:55pm poor old Dick discovered they were out of almonds so he quickly ground up a handful of hickory nuts and mixed up the dackery and hoped the doctor wouldn't notice. However, after one mouthful the doctor shouted, "This isn't an almond dackery, Dick!"
Dick replied: "No, it's a hickory dackery, doc!"
I'm outa here!
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Okay, here's another: Harry the barman said to Paddy: "My mother had a child. It wasn't my brother and it wasn't my sister, who was it?
"I give up" said Paddy, "Who was it?"
"It was me," said Harry.
Paddy swallowed a few more ales and staggered home to find his wife waiting for him.
"I've got a riddle for you," he said. "My mother had a child and it wasn't my brother or my sister... who was it?"
"I don't know," said his wife, "who was it?"
"It was Harry the barman down at the pub," said Paddy.
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Okay, try this one:
A bloke stopped his car outside a mental asylum with a flat tyre. He jacked it up and removed the wheel nuts, then carefully placed them in the hub-cap. Unfortunately, he tripped over the hub-cap and the wheel nuts were flung into the long grass. After searching through the grass for a while and finding nothing, he noticed one of the asylum inmates sitting on the railing beside him watching his every move.
"Why don't you take one nut off each of the other wheels and use them to secure your spare wheel?" the inmate asked.
The bloke scratched his head in amazement and said: "That's a brilliant idea, so how come you are in this place when you can work things like that out?"
The inmate said: "This place is for the mentally deficient; not the bloody stupid!"
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Hi, Sam,
Hey, that works too. Now I'm almost tempted to change my menus back to grey :-)
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Hi, Sam,
Actually, I do like the grey menus. I think I may have clicked a different Theme in the drop-down menu and then returned to the current one, did you try that?
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Hi, Sam,
I've corrected my menu background colour: I right-clicked the desktop and clicked Properties > Themes, then clicked the Windows XP (Modified) theme off and back on again. All sweet again now. My Theme had been changed, my Desktop Icons were changed, my Sticky Keys settings had been changed and my Windows log-on and off music had been reset. Hopefully, that's it!
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Hi, sam,
Just noticed the thumbnails were taking ages to open in my Photo Album, plus my computer was acting very sluggishly, so I've uninstalled IOBit security again and that's all fixed, but my FF drop-down menus are still grey and so are the Outlook Express menus. Just realized that my IE 8 and Opera drop-down menus are grey too! My startup sound still runs at bootup, so something's been changed.
HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)
in Lounge
Posted
Hi there, titou56,
Thanks for your confirmation. I've forgotten most of the French I was taught at college sixty years ago.
Maybe some of your jokes could be a little lengthy, but they are very funny, however, some readers who are pressed for time may skip a lot of the text and miss the important bits. Keep them coming, though.