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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Six people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, five men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to leave, because otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to name that person, until the woman held a very touching speech.

She said that she will voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she is used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

 

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.......

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ring ring hallow? your friendly consultant Freddy speaking

how can we assist you-

 

* User: "Hey, can you help me? My program doesn't work."

* Consultant: "What is the problem? Are you using Turbo Pascal?"

* User: "Yes, the program just blocks the machine."

* Consultant: "Well, does it compile?"

* User: "I don't know -- it just doesn't run. You see? There's the EXE file. If you run it, it blocks the machine."

* Consultant: "And where is your source, the PAS file??"

* User: "I wrote it and renamed it to EXE so it could run."

 

haaaaaaa talking to the consultant!

 

* Him: "I can download games like Quake and play them during lunch, you know."

* Me: "We're only allowed 10 megs in our accounts, and the system administrators would notice you downloading a large file."

* Him: "Nah, I could hack it so he couldn't."

* Me: "Ah, so you are into hacking. By the way do you know any programming languages?"

* Him: "Yeah, of course."

* Me: "Which ones?"

* Him: "I can't tell you or else you'll use them."

* Me: "Just by mentioning C++ or Pascal or whatever will not instantly make me a genius with those languages."

* Him: "Oh sorry, I didn't understand you. Yeah, I know C++ and Pascal."

* Me: "What compiler do you use?"

* Him: "Well, Qbasic is my favorite."

* Me: "Nobody over the age of eight uses QBasic for serious purposes."

* Him: "But they made windows with QBasic."

 

haaaaa---

 

You reminded me of some old friends that posted a bunch of phone calls they and some co workers had with actual people. They worked for HP support.

 

Caller: "My computer is not working"

Support: "Are you running it under windows"

Caller: "No, it's my desk, should I move it?"

 

 

Caller: "I can't print"

Support: "Does the computer see the printer?"

Caller: "I don't know, but it should, I'm holding it right in front of it."

 

I'll add more if I remember any, but those were my favorites, they originally posted 20 or so, all with people of equal stupidity."

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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

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A teacher brought in a tube of sweets and asked the children if they could name the flavour

The children began to identify the flavours by their colour:

Red.....................Cherry

Yellow..................Lemon

Green...................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None

of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your

mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,

'Oh my God! They're ***-holes!

 

 

The teacher had to leave the room

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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

 

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned, " Then returned to his paper.

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

 

 

MORAL: Make sure you understand the question before offering the answer.

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A large brown bear shuffled into the bar and thumped on the counter.

Bear: "A large whiskey and.......................................a glass of coke.

Barman: "Why the large pause?"

Bear: "Don't know, I've had them all my life".

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  • 4 weeks later...

truth of life values

 

6 Truths of Life

 

 

 

1. You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

 

 

 

 

 

keep scrolling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I apologize about this .

 

I'm an idiot and

 

I needed company ...

 

 

 

 

 

Don't take life too seriously, no one ever makes it out alive anyway....

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Hi Ted :-)

Ha-ha-ha

I had a colleague years ago that macadamed his entire garden.

My girlfriend has a neighbour that has put up so many terraces that he has almost no grass to mow :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

p.s.

What's the difference between a Western necktie and a cow's tail? The cow's tail covers the whole ***hole.

 

Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate

when a truck went by loaded up with rolls of turf.

Paddy said, 'I gonna do that when I win lottery'

'What's dat' says his mate.

 

'Send me lawn away to be cut', answers Paddy.

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