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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

 

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything".

 

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

 

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

 

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says, "A beer please, and one for the road".

 

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

 

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home”. "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome". "Is it common?", well, "It's Not Unusual."

 

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

 

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

 

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

 

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

 

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

 

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

 

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Quite clever these proverbs

 

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY.....

 

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

 

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

 

Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

 

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

 

Squirrel who runs up womans' leg will not find nuts.

 

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

 

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

 

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

 

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one ***** to fill it.

 

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

 

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

 

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 

 

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . ......

 

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

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australian watches

 

BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:

 

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.

He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

 

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it..'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?

'What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

 

‘Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies

'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

 

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,

' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

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How the Internet Really Started.

 

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

 

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)

 

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the internet started, but here's the TRUE story

 

In ancient Israel, it comes to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot, and Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

 

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hat the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 

To prevent neighbouring countries from over-hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

 

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

 

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "W need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied' "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO" said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 

And that is how it all began.

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Hi Ted :-)

I do like that you write out all the acronyms so that we know what they stand for!!

Wish everyone would follow your example!! :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

 

A revelation with an Incredibly Big Message (IBM)

 

Well, you might have thought that you knew how the internet started, but here's the TRUE story

 

In ancient Israel, it comes to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot, and Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

 

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said: "How, dear?"

 

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hat the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

 

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

 

To prevent neighbouring countries from over-hearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

 

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

 

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

 

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

 

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks. And Dot did say: "Oh Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

 

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said: "W need a name that reflects what we are."

 

And Dot replied' "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO" said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

 

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

 

And that is how it all began.

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  • 2 months later...

UBL at the pearly gates

 

Usama Bin Laden finds himself at the entrance to Heaven after being "double-tapped" in the middle of the night by a US Special Forces team. There to meet him is the Archangel Gibreel (Gabriel to Christians), who says, "Now, my son, you will taste of the destiny that I foretold."

 

With that, the Pearly Gates open, and out marches President George Washington, who punches Bin Laden in the stomach. Then President Thomas Jefferson punches UBL in the face. Then a kick to the groin from General Robert E. Lee. Then General "Light Horse Harry" Lee knocks UBL to the ground and kicks him in the kidney, while President James Madison kicks him in the chest. And there seems to be an endless line of figures coming to do more of the same.

 

"This is nothing like what you promised me!" shouts the anguished Bin Laden.

 

"You should have listened better to me," admonishes Gabriel. "I told you that if you persisted in your behavior, you would be met at the gates of Heaven by 72 VIRGINIANS."

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

Damn Guys, I'm feeling older everyday. Most of this I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday. Guess that's progress for you????

 

A.T.

 

 

 

The Green Thing, New Idea???

 

 

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

 

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's OUR problem today. YOUR generation did not care enough to save OUR environment."

 

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

 

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

 

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

 

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

 

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

 

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

 

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

 

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

 

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

 

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

 

The Green Thing

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Hi atailor

I think we must be about the same age my friend.

My parents got their first TV in 1961

I got my first own TV in 1973 - I got it from my brother who used to find them in dumpsters, check them out and perhaps replace a resistor, - the cheapest he made for me cost 20 cents, so I used to get them for free. :-)

I use to say that we learned to listen by listening to the radio. You have to concentrate a bit more I think. Also we read much more than most of the young people do today.

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

Damn Guys, I'm feeling older everyday. Most of this I remember as clearly as if it were yesterday. Guess that's progress for you????

 

A.T.

 

 

 

The Green Thing, New Idea???

 

 

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

 

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's OUR problem today. YOUR generation did not care enough to save OUR environment."

 

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

 

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

 

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

 

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

 

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

 

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

 

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

 

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

 

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

 

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

 

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

 

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

 

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

 

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

 

The Green Thing

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