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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Hi there, titou56,

 

Thanks for your confirmation. I've forgotten most of the French I was taught at college sixty years ago.

 

about my jokes along in this thread : i don't know, are they choking ?

Maybe some of your jokes could be a little lengthy, but they are very funny, however, some readers who are pressed for time may skip a lot of the text and miss the important bits. Keep them coming, though.
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ok ok

 

Hi Ted ;-)

 

You are right : shorters are the bests

 

let me try :

 

What is the difference between bald one English and bald one Scottish ?

 

Bald English buys a peruke. Bald Scottish sells his comb.

 

http://smylies.philoo12.net/Gros%20Smileys%202/Gros_Smileys_132.gif

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announcement

 

Small Breton announcement...

 

(It is necessary to read the text BEFORE seeing the photograph below)

 

True story (announcement appeared in a Breton newspaper)

 

Sell Scénic of 2006, blue:

- Only 15 km ,

- Alone the first speed and reverse were used,

- Never of sports behaviour,

- Tyres of origin,

- Brakes of origin,

- Oil and essence of origin,

- First hand,

 

Cause change of occupation.

 

http://i48.tinypic.com/334mb84.jpg

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Hi Gary, my friend :razz:

 

Splendid !!!!!!! I hope this one make you smile...

 

Here is the version of a " bonus " question of chemistry put down to the University of Nanterre - France.

The answer of a student was so crazy as the professor shared it with his colleagues, via Internet, and that's why you have the pleasure of reading it....

 

Question Bonus: « the Hell is exothermique(1) or endothermique(2)»

(1: evacuate warmth, 2: absorb warmth)

 

The most part of the students expressed their belief by using the law of Boyle (if a gas dilates gets colder and conversely) or its variants.

 

However, a student had following answer:

 

Firstly, we need to know how varies the mass of Hell with time. We need to know which rate souls enter and go out of Hell.

I think that we can take without risk that once entries in Hell, souls will not come out again from it any more. Of blow no soul goes out.

Also for counting among entries of souls in Hell, we must look functioning of different religions which exist all over the world today.

The most part of these religions maintain that if you are not member of their religion, you will go to Hell. As there is more than a religion expressing this rule, and as people do not belong to more than a religion, we can cast that all souls go in Hell...

 

Now, let us look at the speed of change of volume of Hell because Law of Boyle specifies that « so that pressure and temperature remain identical in Hell, the volume of Hell must dilate proportionately at the entrance of souls ». By following it gives two possibilities:

1) if Hell dilates at a lesser speed than the entrance of souls in Hell, then temperature and the pressure in Hell will augment for eternity until Hell burst.

2) if Hell dilates at the upper speed at the speed of entrance of souls in Hell, then the temperature will diminish until Hell freezes.

 

To choose which?

If we accept the postulate of my schoolmate Jessica having asserted me lasting my first year of student « It will be cold in Hell before I sleep with you », and there taking into account due to the fact that I slept with her last night, then hypothesis must be true. So, I am sure that Hell is exothermique and have already frozen corollary of this theory it is because as Hell has already frozen, it follows that it accepts no more soul and of blow that it does not exist any more... Leaving so alone Paradise, and proving the existence of one Be divine what explains why, last night, Jessica did not stop shouting " Oh.... my God!.... "

 

(This student is the only one having acceeded the note 20/20)

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Be careful of titou56!!!

 

Hi,

 

This is not "Hoax"

 

I was victim of a swindle at the store Leclerc

 

I inform you about it, so that you could be carefull !

 

Here is how it works:

 

Two girls approach you while you line up your shopping in your car.

They begin by washing your windshield with a sponge and a product for window panes, their chest emphasized well in their too much gripped haberdasher. It is almost impossible not to pay to it attention.

While you thank them and give them a tip, they refuse it and ask you to drive them simply in another shopping centre.

If you accept, they go up at the back of your car.

On the way, they begin undressing and in to carresser. One of them passes then on the temporary seat and makes you a ******* while other one ......... steals your pack of beer !

 

Be therefore extremely vigilant! This could also become to you!

 

They so stole from me a pack of beer last Friday, another one Saturday, twice on Sunday, once again on Monday and again this morning ! !

 

I'll go back to it, obliged tomorrow: I do not have beer anymore

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A man goes to the doctor feeling a little ill.

 

The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus'. It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live. There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth.' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news. Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

 

They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the full house and wins £1000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000. The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

 

'Lucky?' he screamed.

 

'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24!!!!!!'

 

Well bugger me,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!

 

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Once upon a time, a guy asked a beautiful girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and bowling and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

 

The end

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Hi

 

It is near the Christmas break of

the school year. The students have

turned in all their work and there is really nothing

more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have

an early dismissal.

 

 

 

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,

first and correctly can leave early today."

 

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I

want to get outta here. I'm smart

and will answer the question."

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven

Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,

“Abraham Lincoln."

 

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go

home."

 

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question

first.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a

Dream'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary

says, "Martin Luther King."

 

Teacher: "That's right Mary,

you can go."

 

Johnny is even madder than

before.

 

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your

country can do for you'?"

 

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,

"John F. Kennedy."

 

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also

leave."

 

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to

answer to any of the questions.

 

When the teacher turns her back Johnny

says, "I wish these bitches would

keep their mouths shut!"

 

The teacher turns around:

"NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

 

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS.

CAN I GO NOW?"

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beurk

 

Grandpa Dédé, 80 years old, goes for his annual medical examination with Mamy.

when the doctor enters the room of exam, he says:

« I shall need a sample of urine, a sample of saddles, and of a sample of semen. »

 

Dédé, being hard of the ear, turns to Mamy and asks:

« what he said ? »

 

and Mamy shouts him in the ear:

« GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERPANTS! »

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Two Woodpeckers...

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Coloured

 

http://i48.tinypic.com/1zn9xqc.jpg

 

When I born, I black

When I grow up, I black

When I go in Sun, I black

When I scared, I black

When I sick, I black

And when I die, I still black

 

And you white fellow

When you born, you pink

When you grow up, you white

When you go in sun, you red

When you cold, you blue

When you scared, you yellow

When you sick, you green

And when you die, you grey

 

And you calling me colored?

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I am very sorry !!!

 

Hi titou,

 

This is unbelievable, but it seems that I have done that by mistake.

 

I am so sorry, I have looked for who did it and it seems that I did it.:shock:

 

Don't ask me how it had happened, because I don't know.:oops:

 

It can not be retrived. Please open it again.

 

Cheers.

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Serenity

 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

 

 

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

 

 

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

 

 

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

 

 

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,

So I got my doctor's permission to

Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour But,

By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

 

 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

 

 

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

 

 

It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.

 

 

These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, ' For fast relief.'

 

 

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and

The eyesight to tell the difference.

 

 

 

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

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