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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Some quotes from Steven Wright.

 

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse get's the cheese.

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever......so far, so good.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

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A VISITOR FROM THE PAST

 

I had a dream the other night, I didn't understand.

A figure walking through the mist, with flintlock in his hand.

His clothes were torn and dirty, as he stood there by my bed.

He took off his three-cornered hat, and speaking low, he said:

 

"We fought a revolution, to secure our liberty.

We wrote the Constitution, as a shield from tyranny.

For future generations, this legacy we gave.

In this, the land of the free and the home of the brave.

 

"The freedom we secured for you, we hoped you'd always keep.

But tyrants labored endlessly while your parents were asleep.

Your freedom gone, your courage lost, you're no more than a slave.

In this, the land of the free and home of the brave.

 

"You buy permits to travel, and permits to own a gun,

Permits to start a business, or to build a place for one.

On land that you believe you own, you pay a yearly rent.

Although you have no voice in choosing, how the money's spent.

 

"Your children must attend a school that doesn't educate.

Your Christian values can't be taught, according to the state.

You read about the current news, in a regulated press.

You pay a tax you do not owe, to please the I.R.S.

 

"Your money is no longer made of Silver or of Gold.

You trade your wealth for paper, so your life can be controlled.

You pay for crimes that make our Nation, turn from God in shame.

You've taken Satan's number, as you've traded in your name.

 

"You've given government control, to those who do you harm,

So they can padlock churches, and steal the family farm,

And keep our country deep in debt, put men of God in jail,

Harass your fellow countrymen, while corrupted courts prevail.

 

"Your public servants don't uphold the solemn oath they've sworn.

Your daughters visit doctors, so their children won't be born.

Your leaders ship artillery, and guns to foreign shores,

And send your sons to slaughter, fighting other people's wars.

 

"Can you regain the freedom for which we fought and died?

Or don't you have the courage, or the faith to stand with pride?

Are there no more values for which you'll fight to save?

Or do you wish your children, to live in fear and be a slave?

 

"People of the Republic, arise and take a stand!

Defend the Constitution, the Supreme Law of the Land!

Preserve our Great Republic, and GOD-Given Right!

And pray to GOD, to keep the torch of Freedom burning bright!"

 

As I awoke he vanished, in the mist from whence he came.

His words were true, we are not Free, we have ourselves to blame.

For even now as tyrants, trample each GOD-Given Right,

We only watch and tremble, too afraid to stand and fight.

 

If he stood by your bedside, in a dream, while you're asleep,

And wonders what remains of our Rights he fought to keep,

What would be your answer, if he called out from the grave:

"IS THIS STILL THE LAND OF THE FREE AND HOME OF THE BRAVE???"

 

 

 

"Paper is poverty,... it is only the ghost of money, and not money itself." -Thomas Jefferson to Edward Carrington, 1788.

 

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies." - T Jefferson

 

"Whoever controls the supply of currency would control the business and activities of the people." - President Garfield 1881

 

i found this browsing interesting ---

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Getting old.

 

Two elderly women were eating at a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something FUNNY about Mabel's ear, and she said, "Mabel, did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A suppository?" She pulled & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

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Hi jjj

Common saying through the ages - you probably heard it as a child too, and have passed it on to your own children :-)

Confucius probably had it from his parents too! :-)

 

The one with the elderly women was very funny too!

 

Cheers

solbjerg

 

yes true we all laughing ourselves silly!!! ----where ya get that!!!
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what all this fuss reminded me t he joke-

 

 

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when Steven a tall,

Exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so

striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

 

 

 

 

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked

directly toward her. (As All men will.) Before she could offer her apologies

for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do

anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky,

for $20.00.......

 

 

 

On one condition"

 

 

 

 

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition Was. The man replied, "You

have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

 

 

 

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, And then slowly removed a

$20 bill from her purse, Which she pressed into the man's hand along with

her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly And meaningfully

said....

 

 

 

 

"Clean my house."

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Have A Laugh

 

Were talking about 200 pounds here. The boxes say Records on them. Maybe

theyre records made of paper, like old work info, and I wont have to do this, hee hee.

 

Im not near a big city either so I guess Id have to use ebay. Ive never used ebay.

Its sounding more like a big hassle the more I think about it all. No too ambitious

today, if I dont do anything within 30 days it probably wont be done at all.

 

-Stephen

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Apple does it again!

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Hi Ted :-)

Great play on words!!

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

Apple does it again!

 

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

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Glad we can laught!

 

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

 

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

 

 

 

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

 

 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

 

This happens several weeks in a row.

 

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

 

 

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

 

 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything...

 

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

 

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

 

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

 

The Hilton charges $139.

 

We do it here for $50, and

Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7!

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