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HAVE A LAUGH on ME! (1)


itsmejjj
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Shamus walks into the bar with a bag of squawking chickens in his hand and approaches his mate, Paddy. "Guess how many chooks I've got in this bag," he says, "and you can both both of them."

 

"Three!" says Paddy.

------------------------------

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A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink, the cowboy looks around and said, "Well shoot. This place is empty. Where is everybody?"

 

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hanging."

 

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?" asks the cowboy.

 

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender says.

 

"What kind of a name is that?" the cowboy asks.

 

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat,

brown paper shirt, brown paper trousers, brown paper chaps, and brown paper

boots."

 

"I have to admit, that's mighty peculiar." muses the cowboy. "What are they hanging him for?"

 

"Rustling," says the bartender.

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A redhead went into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee

and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

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The old prospector came out of his mine to see a cowboy sitting on the porch of his shack next to his dog.

 

Prospector: Hey now! What're you doing there!

 

Cowboy: Just talking to your dog.

 

Prospector: : "Ha. That dog don't talk."

 

Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"

 

Dog: "Doin' all right."

 

Prospector: (Look of shock!)

 

Cowboy: "Is this prospector your owner?", pointing to the Prospector.

 

Dog: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

 

Dog: "Pretty good. I guard the place and feeds me real good and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

 

Prospector: (Dumbfounded)

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

 

Prospector: "Uhhh...the horse don't talk?"

 

Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

 

Horse: "It's cool."

 

Prospector: (Jaw hits the dirt!)

 

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?", pointing to the prospector.

 

Horse: "Yep."

 

Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"

 

Horse: "Darned well, thanks for asking. I work real hard, but he brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

 

Prospector: (Look of total amazement)

 

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

 

Prospector: "Hell yes I mind! That damned sheep lies!"

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The wizened old truck driver almost fell off his chair in the cafe as the burly motor-cycle cowboy elbowed him. His mate following, bumped the table and spilled the old guy's coffee in all directions. The rest of the gang roared with laughter as he timidly stood up and slunk out of the cafe.

After making himself comfortable and getting stuck in to a large hamburger, the burly motor-cyclist said to the waiter: "That skinny old geezer wasn't much of a fighter, was he."

The waiter replied: "No, and he wasn't much of a driver, either, he's just run over six motor-bikes with his huge truck and flattened them all!"

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Tom the retired police officer

 

Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 500 acres of land

in Western Australia as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

 

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his

door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a

Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5'oclock...'

'Great', says Tom, 'After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks, Thank you.'

 

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink.'

'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! ... I'll be there.'

Thanks again.'

 

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've

been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,

what should I wear?'

 

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove

a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.

 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the

exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

 

The old man says without hesitation

"I now pronounce you man and wife".

 

 

 

Little Gregory wakes up in the middle of the night feeling alone and

scared. He goes into his mother's room for comfort and he sees his mom

standing naked in front of the mirror. She is rubbing her chest and

groaning, "I want a man, I want a man." Shaking his head in bewilderment,

Gregory takes off to bed. Next night the same thing happens. On the third

night, Gregory wakes up and goes into his mom's room but this time there

is a man in bed with his mom.

Gregory hoofs back to his room and whips off his pajamas, rubs his chest

and groans " I want a bike, I want a bike."

 

 

 

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool."

 

ahhhhhhhhh

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Old fellas

 

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:

"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

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An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the

First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and

it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty

minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First

Officer replies: "Oooooh, no likie Chinese? Why tat?" "Your people bombed

Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese

not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,

Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty

minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like

Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The

Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,

Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all same."

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Hi jjj

Very funny!! :-)

 

But irony and humour are difficult subjects on print.

A lot of explanation is often required.

Someone reading this joke, may conclude that Chinese are more clever than Jews (probably mostly those that doesn't have en sense of humour)

(To put a little ironic joke in -I might add - that they are probably right)

This could raise the hackles on a sensitive person.

My perception of Chinese writing is that they at least in writing - and at least in English - is very matter of fact, and seldom uses irony or jokes.

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

 

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the

First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and

it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty

minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First

Officer replies: "Oooooh, no likie Chinese? Why tat?" "Your people bombed

Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese

not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,

Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty

minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like

Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The

Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,

Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all same."

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fun

 

A drunken man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologised and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

 

 

 

............................

THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP WHEN YOU'RE PULLED OVER

 

1 I only had one officer.

2 On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.

3 You'll never get those cuffs on me.

4 Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!

5 Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?

6 Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute?

7 Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

8 Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?

9 Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

10 Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

 

...........................

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irony or jokes----yes if you look at it that way-you are right--never crossed my mind---do you want me to take it out--?no harm meant---ya wanna know who told me that? my doctor he is Chinese--i near fell of the chair--he is always cracking them --lives across the from us-very funny man--often comes over .looks in on the wife--she is on dialysis clean the blood -just learning ta use the unit-- but not a problem -shift it if ya think it may make a fuss--

itsmejjj

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Hi jjj

No, don't remove it. I think it is ok.

It is just that one has to bear in mind that not everybody has a sense of humour, and that some jokes may have a different interpretation in their somewhat biased minds.

My comments are just to make us aware that other interpretations are.

sometimes possible.

I have once in a while experienced that something I have said with my tongue in the cheek, is being seen as gospel, and this can sometimes cost you half a page of explanation :-)

Cheers

solbjerg

 

 

irony or jokes----yes if you look at it that way-you are right--never crossed my mind---do you want me to take it out--?no harm meant---
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No Offence....

 

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

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Cowboys.

 

A cowboy rides into town, ties his horse up outside the saloon, goes inside and orders a beer. When he's finished his beer he goes outside to discover that his horse has gone. He goes back into the bar, orders another beer and says: "My horse had better be back before I finish this beer. I don't want to have to do what I did in Dodge City".

Sure enough when he goes out again, having drunk his beer, the horse is back. As he gets back on his horse, one of the people from the bar says: "Can you tell us what you did in Dodge City?" The cowboy looks down from his horse and says: "I had to walk home"!

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(Why I Fired My Secretary )

 

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,

"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and

shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big

kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and

there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So

I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,

she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they

will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying

my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,

yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to

miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

 

 

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile

and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some

coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

 

 

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since

it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make

me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and

since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have

lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of

town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a

nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't

we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good

idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her

apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you

will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she

left the room.

 

 

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big

birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. yelling happy Birthday !! DAD, And there I sat with

nothing on but my socks.

 

itsmejjj

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Bill Gates and General Motors.

 

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.'

 

In response to Bill ' s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

 

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

 

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash......twice a day.

 

2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

 

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

 

5. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single 'This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation' warning light.

 

6. The airbag system would ask 'Are you sure?' before deploying.

 

7. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

 

8. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

 

9. You'd have to press the 'Start' button to turn the engine off.

 

10. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only seventy five percent of the roads.

 

PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call 'customer service' in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

 

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